Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
