If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
