..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
everyone is single if you try hard enough
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
