I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Randomize
