your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Randomize
