I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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