Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
