a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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