five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
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