I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
