i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
