Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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