just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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