i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
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