my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
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