$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
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