So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
