Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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