Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
