There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
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