am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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