yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
My vagina is officially offended.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Someone stole a lamp last night.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Randomize
