the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
