Dude my mom stole all your condoms
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
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