I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
