I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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