And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
