What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
