Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Randomize
