PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Randomize
