I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
