Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
Randomize
