Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
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