So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
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