I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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