I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
