we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
