I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
she woke up with a sticky ear
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
