she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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