My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Randomize
