I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
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