Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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