Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Randomize