One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
