I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
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