I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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