I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
Randomize
