well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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