I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Randomize
