it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I'm just crazy horny about you
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
