We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
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