You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Randomize
