So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
