I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Randomize
