I faked an abortion last night.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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