I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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