It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Randomize
